Healing Grief through the Passing of Time

I don’t know if it is this way for everyone… but when you lose someone you love, does it sometimes feel as if time sort of freezes and stands still?

Last weekend marked the second anniversary since my dear father passed away. He passed quite suddenly (although in hindsight there were warning signs that at the time I failed to acknowledge), but he was at home – where he wanted to be – with his two daughters, my sister and I, by his side. The memory of that day is etched in my mind as clear as if it were yesterday.

So how could two years possibly have passed by since then, if I am able to remember that day so clearly, when I can’t even remember what I ate for lunch one week ago? And as more time passes, will that day and the memory of my dad as he was always be so clear, or will it begin to fade over time? My earliest memory of him is as my protector who sang “Halleluja” to me under a starlit sky, but he was also a philosopher and traveller who showed me the world, from Europe to America, Russia and India, and a published author who shared with me and passed on his great passion for writing… If I am continuing to age as everyone does, growing and changing with the years, will I still remember the man who was in my life just 26 short years?

Probably the best marker of time for me is my daughter, Isla Raine, who was born two days after my dad’s birthday (a belated gift for him…), in the very same hospital where he stayed six months before he passed, and whose middle name we chose in honour of my dad, Rainer.

Over these two years I have made a conscious effort to talk to Isla about her “Opi”, to keep his memory alive by showing her his photos, reading her his stories and singing his songs with her. It all paid off when, just the other day, she looked me deep in the eyes and said something I’ll never forget: “Opi is in my belly.” I knew straight away what she meant: a child’s innocent version of saying that Opi is in her heart, just as I must have explained to her at some time or another.

Both my beautiful daughter with her sweet revelations and evidence of the slow but steady passing of time, have been the greatest healers in this whole process of grieving. Because all around me, so many things appear to stay the same, until I look a little closer and realise… My dad’s house looks very different now, and the people occupying it have changed. The plants and flowers in his garden have grown tall and healthy. The citrus, mango and custard apple trees he planted more than a decade ago are now finally producing luscious and abundant fruit.

And me? Well… just as I had first resented the fact that I will never again learn anything more from my dad, I realise that this is not the case at all… because even though he is gone, I am here and with age and maturity the lessons I gained from him begin to take on a new light as I bask in the memories of a wonderful man who, through his work as a psychological healer, changed many people’s lives and taught me a great deal in the process. So far this newfound wisdom has even given me the strength to write about my experience here, and I know he would feel eternally proud.

* Zanna Taeni *

Ritual vs dollars

I love the ancient ritual of the blessingway. Instead of the traditional baby shower where people are subtly expected to shower the mother-to-be with expensive gifts, the blessingway is a low-key alternative that focuses more on giving her the not-so-obvious things to take on her journey through birth and beyond. These include words of support, positive affirmations and generally just a sense of being “there” for the mother.

Earlier today on a relatively secluded beach beneath a perfect blue sky, my pregnant friend had her blossoming belly painted with henna as a group of her women friends shared food and honoured the growing baby inside. Each woman in the group contributed a bead and spoke about its significance before threading it onto a wire to form a beautiful necklace for the mum to wear at the birth. A ball of cotton was passed around the circle and wrapped around everyone’s wrist, binding the group together.  Each of us then broke off the cotton and wrapped the dangling pieces around our wrists to wear as a reminder of the ceremony and symbol of support until our friend gives birth.

The whole ritual got me thinking about how with all these big events that are celebrated – whether it be Christmas, birthdays or the birth of a new baby – we often get so caught up in the modern tradition that we automatically connect it with spending money and giving gifts when, in reality, it really is those things money can’t buy that are often the most valuable of all.

In this situation, each woman contributes a few dollars to belly art for our friend, which bought a nice bead or two for the necklace. We also all brought along a simple plate of healthy food, but no-one was out-of-pocket by much. Simply by turning up each person did their bit in making it a beautiful, memorable experience for the mother-to-be. In my opinion, half a dozen pairs of baby booties and an oversized box of Huggies nappies could never compare to this.

* Zanna Taeni *

Out with the Old, In with the New

I have made the decision to throw out all my daughter’s baby clothes. For more than two years I’ve been hanging onto them, with the excuse that they can be used for the “next baby”, and it’s taken me this long to realise that – for now, at least – there will be no “next baby”. What I have finally admitted to myself is that in actual fact, I am trying to hang on to the baby that was, the one who is now a toddler – walking, talking, even taking herself to the toilet when nature calls. Whilst my baby has been growing up, I have not!


The tiny sleepsuits, adorable winter beanies, socks and booties are clear reminders of those first few beautiful months. But I don’t want to hang onto them any longer. With all the ambitions that take over my mind on a daily basis, it might be another three years before this “next baby” shows its face. In the meantime the clothes will just sit in a room, taking up space and acquiring a yellowish tinge that will make them appear unsuitable for any baby in the future.

But it got me thinking again how many times things like this can mirror what is really going on in our lives. We can hang onto things in fear of losing the slice of life we feel we will miss without them, the fear of the change that will come about if we let go. For example, we hang onto friends that don’t make us feel good, old habits, past hurts and damaging thought patterns that no longer serve us or that have a negative impact on our wellbeing – all because of fear.

In this very same way I am physically hanging onto my daughter’s baby clothes because… I miss that period in my life. But until I allow myself to pass them on, I feel I can’t fully move on to the next phase of parenting. I am contradicting the very message I am always trying to teach my child: “You’re not a baby anymore so you don’t need a dummy / bottle / breastmilk / nappies. You’re a little girl, which is much more fun because it means you can go to the park and do other really exciting stuff.”

Indeed. Life is a journey and to move through it smoothly and gracefully, without holding on to old grudges and regrets, is truly an art.

My daughter knows that she is growing up and she is embracing the changes with great enthusiasm. I suppose this is one of the many lessons she is about to teach me about being happy in the moment, as well as embracing the inevitable – change – with a smile and an open heart.

* Zanna Taeni *

Letting go of attachments

Age is a funny thing. And I now understand why some people say it is really a state of mind... it's how you feel (though others may argue that whoever says that just doesn't want to admit that they're old!!) As children we are always in a rush to grow up - to be seen as mature, independent beings, able to do things on our own. I am witnessing this already in my two-year-old, Isla, whose favourite phrase is: "Isla dooos it!!"

For all of us it's different, but I think for me it hit when I turned twenty, that I was no longer in a rush to get older. Even more recently though, on reaching 28 (my big Saturn Return year) I came to finally realising that while I still am in no rush to get older, I also am no longer wishing I was any younger.

For a while I think I was worried that over the years my looks would fade, I'd get (the inevitable) wrinkles, would find the most basic yoga class a great challenge and health problems would soar. The irony in that is that with each consecutive birthday I only become more aware of the importance of expanding my knowledge on health, fitness and general wellbeing. And so it is this new wisdom that makes me feel suddenly comfortable with the skin I'm in, without that old anxiety plaguing me over my looks, etc.

Now, while I still try to take good care of myself physically, it is not so much about what others think as it may have been in my teens and early twenties, than it is about how I feel... in other words, I am not striving to create some "image" of myself to others, but am getting more in touch with what does and does not feel right for me.

As an example - to mark my impending year of Saturn Return, I decided to take the plunge and cut off all my hair, a move I had been aching to make in years, but had never had the courage to do before.

This time it was easy: there was no hesitation, no long, drawn out rituals of saying goodbye to my long, bleached locks and, most importantly, no change of heart right at the eleventh hour. I just went in there, and without any real plan or anybody knowing what I was about to do (as I hadn't wanted to set myself up for disappointment) I just did it. And straight away I became a new woman: somehow liberated.

Three weeks on, and the compliments are still coming. But I think more than my looks, it has been my bravery people are commending. I even had quite a few people say I have inspired them to do the same – to free themselves from the burden of fussing and that sticky summer sacrifice that often comes with flaunting gorgeous tresses. My partner is not smitten with my new look, but I have reason to believe this is only because he is trying to hang on to the 15-year-old long-haired brunette gypsy girl he met so long ago... an image that may have matched who I was then, but does not match the me I have since become.

It seems as though we always talk about what we want to do, rather than just doing it. As humans we are, both literally and metaphorically, attached to not just our hair but to our youthful looks. But I'd like to think that with age comes the wisdom to know the difference between feeling good because others approve of you and feeling good because you approve of yourself.

* Zanna Taeni *

Feed your Passion

The theme of the Byron Bay Writer's Festival this year was passion. I went to one of the talks on that topic- three writers revealing the things that make them tick and the feeling they get from doing those things. Obviously they all loved writing, but what they spoke about were the other passions they have in their lives. One woman said she felt passionate about talking to strangers and including people who looked as if they were on their own. She said it made her feel so happy she could burst (and that woman just looked happy, in fact I don't think she stopped smiling during the entire talk).

Now, isn't that a feeling we all want? I know that when I'm doing something I truly love doing, I become the me I really want to be. It gives me a sense of achievement that nothing else can. That's the theory that led me to the doorstep of The Art of Healing last month. The work here is feeding my passion for health by informing people through the written word (my other big fixation in life).

As a busy mother of a two-year-old it isn't always easy to keep my creative voice alive. And at times I feel as if my partner would prefer it if I simply resigned myself to the fact that I am now a mum, a cook and a domestic goddess and focus purely on these things. But in actual fact, I am doing him and our daughter a great favour by following my path to happiness – my yellow brick road: I am nurturing myself and am therefore more capable of nurturing those around me. Kind of like that old saying: "You can't love anyone until you love yourself."

Take time out for you, to foster the creativity within you, as it can be so easy to lose sight of your passion when you are working a 9-5 job or caught up in a routine of kids and cleaning. I have noticed that even my - at times - insular partner is much more receptive and kind to me when he's engaging in a bit of DIY and gardening: two things that give him that sense of accomplishment - something I feel we all need in our lives.

No matter how busy you are, set aside some time each day to do whatever gives you that healthy buzz... and witness the dominoe effect it creates in your life.

* Zanna Taeni *

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

I just couldn't let Valentine's Day go by without some comment about love - as commercial as this day has become. Interestingly, I was watching a DVD last night called Women In Love, directed by Ken Russell and based on the novel by D.H. Lawrence. And putting it into the context of Valentine's Day in 2011, is quite revealing really. How different it was back then. I mean really people "fell-in-love". I don't mean to sound jaded (perhaps this is to do with my age or from editing The Art of Healing for so many years, or both)  but... I just believe that we create everything that we want. What we see is a mirror of ourselves ie. what we want to see, what we want to believe, what we want to project, what we want to perceive...I don't think this should [necessarily] be a bad thing, it just changes it - hopefully for the better actually, because you are not seeing something that isn't really real - that you have just created in your head. The other thing about love is, that it is not just about this one other person that you are with or want to meet, that you are loading expectations on, to make you happy! I am sorry, but I am with the sector that says we need to love and respect ourselves first, and then project that onto everyone else. We all need to take responsibility for who we are, and then just "love the one(s) your with!"

Laughing - A LOT!

How are you coping with change? Me, I'm laughing a lot these days, and it feels just wonderful. There is just so much going on, so much change happening in every sphere, I really think it is one of the best things we can do to retain some sense of balance (aside of course from retaining an inner focus and strength via energy healing practices such as yoga, relaxation and meditation, tai chi, (for example) - on a daily basis). But back to laughing - I am really tuning in to how I laugh. I have noticed for instance that this has changed just over the last few weeks. I now tip my head back a bit and really feel the laughter coming out through my throat area (it is actually not a belly-laugh ...yet). I am thinking this may be due to some more focussed singing I have been doing lately - in the car. Don't you just love it. The car is a great place to practice singing because no-one else can hear you - I am also experimenting with roaring which is great fun. All of this activity ie. laughing and singing, I think is also working on a deeper level by affecting my sense of self.  As I go about my day-to-day business I find myself looking at the world a little differently. I feel a little outside of what is going on, a viewer who can see so much absurdity in so many things, which makes me laugh. And I don't mean laughing I am laughing sarcastically either. I think I am laughing because it is really funny how we are not getting it, and that is really worth laughing about, because somehow it is all OK. Am I making any sense to you? Hope so.